A Hope and a Future

I think I finally understand the scripture in Jeremiah 29:11 when we are given the promise of a hope and a future.  When we are promised that we will be prospered  that prosperity is not a promise that comes in the form of any physical kind of possession but rather in a relationship with our heritage of life.  That heritage is expressed in the generation of children we raise in the wisdom and compassionate instruction of Torah.

Perspective

Perspective can be defined as a vantage or it can be used to define a relationship of an object with its surroundings.  This picture made me think about perspective in my life.  This building top is readily viewed at eye level on the UNC Charlotte campus from the entrance of the Bonnie Cone Center.  It is a long descent from this place to the doors of the buildings entrance.   This building is the home of the College of Health and Human services.  Perspective changes everything in the context of reality.  It would seem this building was close by but once you study the references you begin to understand the perspective it frames.  The tree tops the lamp post the clouds and sky all give clues but the walking reality is quite a different experience.  There is a torrent of construction chaos just outside view that must be navigated to reach this building and from this perspective you are clueless.  A long detour winds around through multiple staircases and walkways in order for one to arrive at its entrance.  Perspective would suggest that this is quite a different journey.    This lesson has given me reason to pause and reflect about so many things going on around me right now and I have to wonder about our perspectives.

Milestones

Everyday since June 5th I have put the milestones of my actions and thoughts from the wooden bowl made of acacia wood into the transparent glass container as I have deemed appropriate for the events of my day.  I have used this exercise to take some time for reflection on my choices and to put to rest my deeds and thoughts for that day.  I have used the glass marbles to frame daily events and  then close them in the past. This is an exercise suggest by my Rabbi for this season of my life.  It has been very helpful and theraputic to my soul.  As weeks have turned into months I am realizing the significance of such an exercise over the course of time.  It helps me daily to live fully in my actions, to strive to do the best I can and yet if the day has been a heart wrenching disaster or painful failure I can still  lay it to rest recognizing it for what it was without carrying it into the future.  While I hope and pray the ordeal will be over soon as long as it lasts, I am thankful for this process and the rest it brings me between Sabbath rests.

Long dark roads

I know that in some aspects we all have long dark roads in our lives that are not lit until the light needed for the journey is necessary.  I have several roads in my journey that have the potential to be rather scary but I just keep reminding myself that the darkness always gives way to the light in due time. Some of those dark paths seem long overdue right now for some illumination and I keep hoping that as the road moves into the future the reality and light that are added will dissipate the fear of the unknown in my mind.

Tallit Fringes

I bought this tallit in Israel several years ago.  It is the smallest size undergarment they make for a child.  I am excited that I will be moving these fringes to my very own prayer shawl soon and learning like a child the depths of the meaning of my faith.  

Wedding Rings- Goodbye

It was a very painful and angry day the day my marriage was evidently permanently over.  I removed my wedding ring and knew it would never mean the same thing it had ever meant to me in the past.  Months later I found my spouses ring tossed aside in an unlikely place for such a symbol and realized that it never meant to him what mine had meant to me.  Today I decided it was time to put them to rest in some place of respect but none the less bury their significance as a symbol of a historical past devoid of the emotion and meaning they should hold.  I grieve only for a moment and set them in a quiet hiding place for memories sake only.

Quiet Refuge...

I have had a great hope fulfilled today.  I applied to the Upper division of the BSN Program at UNC Charlotte this fall in order to complete my four year degree.    It has been a two year process to get prerequisites completed.  There were nearly 275 applicants this semester for  50 open spots and 25 waiting list seats for the spring semester.  The letters of acceptance and denial were mailed on Friday and hit mailboxes over the weekend and today.  I was excited to receive mine today after work.  It is not without a great deal of gratitude for people like Cathy Crawford and my friend Joan Pennington that I have made it this far at all.    So when the letter came today and I could celebrate my acceptance it was them I wanted to tell first and thank.  It was they that have supported me when it has gotten hard and long and scary and who have rejoiced with me with every milestone.  I am more grateful to them than words can express.

Close of Shabbat Moon

 This Shabbos was different than all others I have experienced.  At sundown I went out to take a photo and to view the moon instead of performing Havdalah.  I needed to see the light of the creation in the sky, to see the shabbos leave in the natural world.  I needed to smell the fresh air and feel the darkness falling.  I will miss her this week....

Contrasts

This shot caught my eye because of the contrast in color and texture.  It also made me think.  It seemed really out of place here at the beginning of fall.  The hardwood tree in the background (of which you see  only the bark of its truck) had brilliantly colored leaves falling constantly from its branches in the Autumn winds.  It was going dormant for the winter.  Yet at its base there were these lush green leaves growing from this fragile looking plant with berries growing heavily between them.  It was not an evergreen type plant like a holly so it made me start to consider the nature of this plant.  It had to have a purpose in the pre-frost season because its leaves will never survive a single heavily frosted evening.  This plant was prolific and fruitful yet a not a winter fruit bloomer.  It was meant to feed something ... maybe birds, maybe small animal, maybe insects before the frost!  I feel like Hashem is doing that for me right now too.  I think the season of darkness is still yet to come for me and He continues to feed me through this project, my friends, and my job right now.  I am thankful for the contrast.  I am thankful for His provision.  I am thankful for this season. May I remember His faithfulness now when the darkness comes in the deepest of winter and may I keep  it stored up as faith when my heart is surrounded in that darkness.

Mourning

Shai came to Saluda, SC  from a ranch in the heart of Israel to stay with Henry and Joan to learn to rope.  He stayed for 3 months and met many new people.  I am still in shock upon learning of his accidental death in Israel this week.  I had so hoped to meet him the next time in Israel on the ranch where he worked.  I grieve for his family and for all of us that came to know him.

Hidden Garden

Today was such an unexpected,  awesome adventure.  I have a major exam tomorrow in Health Psychology and took the day off work to go and study on campus.  I got up early and drove across town with my camera hoping to get a good shot of the fall colors in the morning sunlight but it was really overcast and nothing seemed fitting.  I parked in the campus parking deck and walked into the woods hoping to find a brilliant tree or something to take a picture of before I relegated myself to the study cubical.  Instead  I found an entire hidden world of beauty I did not know existed.  I spent several hours having the most amazing time discovering the Botanical garden and  observing the wildlife inside.  I had so much fun just wondering around and discovering what would come across my path on the next turn of the trail.  There were so many surprises I could not begin to share them all.   I just loved this day.  I finally did get to study and I had a great conversation with my very best friend who I missed dearly the past week.  I am so thankful for the gifts I was given.

Longings

I've never been much of a crowd person.  I much prefer the company of one or two.  Not that I do not like a lot of different kinds of people but I much prefer to relate one on one or in a smaller group.  It is easier to listen and easier to hear the heart of others and experience their personality on an intimate level at least for me.  It seems the social rules fade into the background and the emphasis can be on heart meeting heart rather than negotiating your way through the niceties.  Don't get me wrong,  I am all for those polite social rules but I cannot stay there for very long.  I am very drained by those kinds of encounters.  It takes a great many words and words always have had such intense meaning and depth for me that it is difficult to weigh and consider them all if they are too numerous and hidden.  I often enjoy the hidden meaning behind intentions and words but it is work to find them in bigger social settings.  This week has been really difficult.  I have had few words that have not had heavy meaning and been intimate.  They have been extraordinarily hard to cope with.  Deep hurt and profound confusion have been at their root.  Many hard questions have been asked and tears and pain have attached themselves in such a way that they cannot be separated out.    I feel powerless to lessen the load for those who have spoken them.  I have done my best to just listen and pray.  I keep asking myself if the longings inside of me for this intimate kind of friendship will be my undoing or my grace.  Without God I am certain it would be the former.  

Surface Tension

Tension is an interesting concept.  Whether it exists between two inanimate objects or in relationships between individuals, tension is a force that serves many purposes.  This photo was taken at Lake Norman State park.  The leaf you see  I watched fall from a tree and float through the air to fall against the tension of the water.  Gravity made the leaf fall from the tree.  The wind carried it through the space between the branch and the surface of the water and the weight of the leaf and the water's surface tension negotiated whether the leaf ultimately sank or floated.   It made me start thinking about the nature of tension in my own life.  So many things can persist when the tension is level and equal but the moment the tension shifts to one side or the other there is a dramatic change in circumstances  that results in consequences for both objects or individuals.  Tension is vital to equilibrium and balance.  Tension is vital to status quo as well as subtle and dramatic changes. The only thing the force of tension does not influence is the past.  Tension is always moving toward a new future.  That gives me great pause.  I don't really understand all the different tensions in my life right now.  There are so many new tensions and so many old ones in flux right now.  It is disorienting and challenging to adjust to the appropriate opposing tensions rightly for a better future.

Crying...

Crying seems like it should be  considered a natural human function...  Babies cry when they are born and every time they have an unmet need.  It is a universal human act.  But lately I have been forced to deal with the irony of that universality. What if it is not really natural at all but instead is a result of the state of our being.  It seems that when I let myself go to crying an odd thing happens.  No matter how long I cry, for a moment or for hours, it seems two things occur in the aftermath- I get up with a massive headache and  yet somehow a clearer mind.   The tears seem to clear away the webs that entangle my thoughts and keep me bound to the round and round ruminating of my anguished heart, mind and body. Crying scares me really.  It feels very unsafe and exposed.  I am not certain about the why.  I avoid it quite aggressively and  in that avoidance, the tears and thoughts seem to accumulate somewhere deep in the unseen places of my mind. There comes a point eventually  though that the floodgate will simply not hold any longer.  It is in this flood of tears and emotion that I feel everything rolls out of control into a scary place. An endless procession of raw thoughts present themselves as if  they are on an evacution conveyor belt.  They roll past unable to be influenced and demanding an accounting in unison.  Hiding is my first instinct and holding in the sound is the second.  Holding my breath is the quickest solution and yet gives me the most negative consequences.  It is all I can do sometimes to simply concentrate on breathing and remaining present to the world around me.  Panic is the next feeling...  It is here I must make a choice... will I submit by allowing the thoughts and emotion to produce the tears that wash down my face?   Can I allow them to flow without judging them and swallowing them or will I punish myself for this lack of control?  Will I become self conscious and hate the needing crying reveals?  When I cannot allow the tears to simply happen the result has been quite destructive in the past - a pattern for dysfunctional living.  When I can endure the process and just submit to the pain and feelings, I am usually better off  in the end but I still very much resist the entire process of overwhelming pain and need.  Maybe its habit, maybe it's fear, maybe its crazy I don't know and figuring it out doesn't seem to be a real option or matter in the end.  What seems to matter is the choice.  Over time one would think the choice would become easier, clearer, more obvious but that has not been my experience.  Pain and need are strange phenomenon.  It is not really the same experience any and every time it presents itself.  I cannot define it really.  Maybe that would help.  

Soccer Practice Sunset

I spend so many hours sitting in the parking lots at the soccer field waiting for my daughter to finish practice that every now and then I am able to enjoy a moment of connection with Hashem.  It has been a very long day.  I worked from 6 am to 3 pm and then had time to change my clothes, check the mailbox and email and answering machine before it was back out the door.  It is food for my weary soul to see a sight like this.    I consider it a gift that awakens my spirit and soul and gives solace to my mind.  I set out this evening to find a unique picture for the blog project with Leigh and was really struggling to concentrate and get a unique shot.  This is not what I was looking for but was very inspiring to me.  I enjoyed just sitting in the evidence of the Almighty and having a moment of connection being thankful and awed by His presence.  I am in such need for more and more of this kind of connection in my life.  So much in life just hurts right now that these moments really sustain me.

Overwhelming...Sometimes

I have so much that needs to get done and it is really overwhelming sometimes.  In order to even consider it all I have to make a list and instead of motivation and energy coming to me, I am feeling defeated and deflated.  I really dislike not "doing" with my whole heart... I am entirely too black and white in my approach to things and am struggling to figure out out to fix it.  I cannot simply neglect that which I am not inspired to do and yet in some aspects right now my lack of motivation is resulting in just that.  There will be consequences to some of the things I am not participating in and somehow even that threat is not enough to get me moving.  Mentally I am exhausted.  I am tired of thinking in this round and round sort of way.  It seems that no matter what topic my mind fixates upon, it can find no definitive to end the journey and so it circulates and never subsides.  Emotionally I am pulled in entirely too many directions as well.  My emotions are erratic and wildly variant.  They feel grossly exaggerated and painfully deep.  They are abnormal and odd and difficult to mediate.  Because thoughts precipitate most of these feelings I am trying to just let them ebb and flow and not get too involved with any of them.   Physically I am better than normal- staying really active with daily life activities and off the clock movements.  I have gotten down to 168 from 194 and physically feel much better.  Spiritually I am in uncharted territory.  I am experiencing very different kinds of connections with Hashem and sometimes it is disorienting.  Not like confusion that makes you suffer-- just an unpredictable new experience in my connection with the Almighty.  I am not really lonely, just having to be a different kind of vigilant to remain aware of  the Presence.  The Voice is softer, the Direction is gentler and the Lessons are more profound.  My attention is heightened  but my understanding is slower in coming and my heart is raw and tentative in attaching.  Finding my way out of the other realms-mental and physical realities (other than the spiritual) is difficult on any long term basis.  

   My middle -adult- child came home this weekend.  It is has been months and months since I have seen my college age kids.  It has been extraordinarily painful having them gone as the divorce proceedes.  I cannot navigate the new normal with them yet especially with such distance between us on so many levels.  I cannot find the boundaries of their adulthood and their childhood to relate rightly and so I have erred on the side of their privacy and my silence or in outright outburst that simply should not have happened.  It has made for a painful and scarring weekend for me.  I am afraid we will never find a new place to be that they will accept me for who I really am.  It feels like too big of a loss to handle.  It is hard not to dislike myself in this place.   It is even harder not to resort to old methods of coping.   I just am uncertain of the coping skill I am lacking in this area and  even giving myself permission to cry has been a frightening prospect.  If I lay down and completely experience this grief I am afraid that I may not recover.   Part of me is truly dying and I am not sure the rest of me does not want to just follow without any more fight.  They mean too much to me to lose and yet I am realizing maybe my perceptions of my relationship to them have been distorted all along---that is the hardest grief to cope with for me-- one that stems from another self deception or denial and morphs into a reality I have chosen not to see.  My worst fear is that I cannot even trust myself.  Everything turns inward at that point and it has proven to be dangerous to my well being in the past.

Is it a Tree or is it just ART?

I had to laugh when I saw this sculpture in downtown Charlotte the other night.   I stopped to photograph it because at that moment and even now, I feel as though it defines my existence.  I have this strange almost absurd disconnected sense of life and art going on within me.  I want desperately to feel fully alive and expressive.... but how does a human really be both of those things with other human beings in a way that is  really understood and valued?  I hope to find out as life moves forward!

October 3,2008

This was October 3rd -the evening I  first set a free Shabbat table.  In the 24 years I  have been married I have not been able to set in my own home in the open.  I was able to practice my faith in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as my heart craves as a women and spiritual being for the first time in peace and practice.   It was an emotional and deeply significant experience even though I sat at it completely alone.  

Life seems like it is being totally recreated in every day that goes by for me lately. Everything that I have ever known is now strangely different.  Many things are remarkably better and others are just not the same -being neither negative or positively changed.  My life feel like it is all about renewal.  I need more than ever just to  have an outlet to express my thoughts and creative side and to learn to be fully me...  in a safe and private way.  This is not a public blog.  I have only invited a few people to even look.  I value their insight, their faith and their honesty.  I also value their ability to tell me like it is when I need to hear it most.

 Some days I feel excited and hopeful about the future and other days I am experiencing profound pain and grief.  Loneliness and frustration seem  my all too frequent companions and I know that it must be tiresome to deal with.  I am living day by day wondering some of those days if I really even want to make it.  That scares me a little bit more than I care to admit.