Overwhelming...Sometimes

I have so much that needs to get done and it is really overwhelming sometimes.  In order to even consider it all I have to make a list and instead of motivation and energy coming to me, I am feeling defeated and deflated.  I really dislike not "doing" with my whole heart... I am entirely too black and white in my approach to things and am struggling to figure out out to fix it.  I cannot simply neglect that which I am not inspired to do and yet in some aspects right now my lack of motivation is resulting in just that.  There will be consequences to some of the things I am not participating in and somehow even that threat is not enough to get me moving.  Mentally I am exhausted.  I am tired of thinking in this round and round sort of way.  It seems that no matter what topic my mind fixates upon, it can find no definitive to end the journey and so it circulates and never subsides.  Emotionally I am pulled in entirely too many directions as well.  My emotions are erratic and wildly variant.  They feel grossly exaggerated and painfully deep.  They are abnormal and odd and difficult to mediate.  Because thoughts precipitate most of these feelings I am trying to just let them ebb and flow and not get too involved with any of them.   Physically I am better than normal- staying really active with daily life activities and off the clock movements.  I have gotten down to 168 from 194 and physically feel much better.  Spiritually I am in uncharted territory.  I am experiencing very different kinds of connections with Hashem and sometimes it is disorienting.  Not like confusion that makes you suffer-- just an unpredictable new experience in my connection with the Almighty.  I am not really lonely, just having to be a different kind of vigilant to remain aware of  the Presence.  The Voice is softer, the Direction is gentler and the Lessons are more profound.  My attention is heightened  but my understanding is slower in coming and my heart is raw and tentative in attaching.  Finding my way out of the other realms-mental and physical realities (other than the spiritual) is difficult on any long term basis.  

   My middle -adult- child came home this weekend.  It is has been months and months since I have seen my college age kids.  It has been extraordinarily painful having them gone as the divorce proceedes.  I cannot navigate the new normal with them yet especially with such distance between us on so many levels.  I cannot find the boundaries of their adulthood and their childhood to relate rightly and so I have erred on the side of their privacy and my silence or in outright outburst that simply should not have happened.  It has made for a painful and scarring weekend for me.  I am afraid we will never find a new place to be that they will accept me for who I really am.  It feels like too big of a loss to handle.  It is hard not to dislike myself in this place.   It is even harder not to resort to old methods of coping.   I just am uncertain of the coping skill I am lacking in this area and  even giving myself permission to cry has been a frightening prospect.  If I lay down and completely experience this grief I am afraid that I may not recover.   Part of me is truly dying and I am not sure the rest of me does not want to just follow without any more fight.  They mean too much to me to lose and yet I am realizing maybe my perceptions of my relationship to them have been distorted all along---that is the hardest grief to cope with for me-- one that stems from another self deception or denial and morphs into a reality I have chosen not to see.  My worst fear is that I cannot even trust myself.  Everything turns inward at that point and it has proven to be dangerous to my well being in the past.