Crying seems like it should be considered a natural human function... Babies cry when they are born and every time they have an unmet need. It is a universal human act. But lately I have been forced to deal with the irony of that universality. What if it is not really natural at all but instead is a result of the state of our being. It seems that when I let myself go to crying an odd thing happens. No matter how long I cry, for a moment or for hours, it seems two things occur in the aftermath- I get up with a massive headache and yet somehow a clearer mind. The tears seem to clear away the webs that entangle my thoughts and keep me bound to the round and round ruminating of my anguished heart, mind and body. Crying scares me really. It feels very unsafe and exposed. I am not certain about the why. I avoid it quite aggressively and in that avoidance, the tears and thoughts seem to accumulate somewhere deep in the unseen places of my mind. There comes a point eventually though that the floodgate will simply not hold any longer. It is in this flood of tears and emotion that I feel everything rolls out of control into a scary place. An endless procession of raw thoughts present themselves as if they are on an evacution conveyor belt. They roll past unable to be influenced and demanding an accounting in unison. Hiding is my first instinct and holding in the sound is the second. Holding my breath is the quickest solution and yet gives me the most negative consequences. It is all I can do sometimes to simply concentrate on breathing and remaining present to the world around me. Panic is the next feeling... It is here I must make a choice... will I submit by allowing the thoughts and emotion to produce the tears that wash down my face? Can I allow them to flow without judging them and swallowing them or will I punish myself for this lack of control? Will I become self conscious and hate the needing crying reveals? When I cannot allow the tears to simply happen the result has been quite destructive in the past - a pattern for dysfunctional living. When I can endure the process and just submit to the pain and feelings, I am usually better off in the end but I still very much resist the entire process of overwhelming pain and need. Maybe its habit, maybe it's fear, maybe its crazy I don't know and figuring it out doesn't seem to be a real option or matter in the end. What seems to matter is the choice. Over time one would think the choice would become easier, clearer, more obvious but that has not been my experience. Pain and need are strange phenomenon. It is not really the same experience any and every time it presents itself. I cannot define it really. Maybe that would help.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Crying...
Crying seems like it should be considered a natural human function... Babies cry when they are born and every time they have an unmet need. It is a universal human act. But lately I have been forced to deal with the irony of that universality. What if it is not really natural at all but instead is a result of the state of our being. It seems that when I let myself go to crying an odd thing happens. No matter how long I cry, for a moment or for hours, it seems two things occur in the aftermath- I get up with a massive headache and yet somehow a clearer mind. The tears seem to clear away the webs that entangle my thoughts and keep me bound to the round and round ruminating of my anguished heart, mind and body. Crying scares me really. It feels very unsafe and exposed. I am not certain about the why. I avoid it quite aggressively and in that avoidance, the tears and thoughts seem to accumulate somewhere deep in the unseen places of my mind. There comes a point eventually though that the floodgate will simply not hold any longer. It is in this flood of tears and emotion that I feel everything rolls out of control into a scary place. An endless procession of raw thoughts present themselves as if they are on an evacution conveyor belt. They roll past unable to be influenced and demanding an accounting in unison. Hiding is my first instinct and holding in the sound is the second. Holding my breath is the quickest solution and yet gives me the most negative consequences. It is all I can do sometimes to simply concentrate on breathing and remaining present to the world around me. Panic is the next feeling... It is here I must make a choice... will I submit by allowing the thoughts and emotion to produce the tears that wash down my face? Can I allow them to flow without judging them and swallowing them or will I punish myself for this lack of control? Will I become self conscious and hate the needing crying reveals? When I cannot allow the tears to simply happen the result has been quite destructive in the past - a pattern for dysfunctional living. When I can endure the process and just submit to the pain and feelings, I am usually better off in the end but I still very much resist the entire process of overwhelming pain and need. Maybe its habit, maybe it's fear, maybe its crazy I don't know and figuring it out doesn't seem to be a real option or matter in the end. What seems to matter is the choice. Over time one would think the choice would become easier, clearer, more obvious but that has not been my experience. Pain and need are strange phenomenon. It is not really the same experience any and every time it presents itself. I cannot define it really. Maybe that would help.
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I know how you feel... but its best to let those tears so that you will feel a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. I read the book Tears for Water(a poem book)... and it always helped me calm down and not feel sad anymore. Hope I helped!
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