Longings

I've never been much of a crowd person.  I much prefer the company of one or two.  Not that I do not like a lot of different kinds of people but I much prefer to relate one on one or in a smaller group.  It is easier to listen and easier to hear the heart of others and experience their personality on an intimate level at least for me.  It seems the social rules fade into the background and the emphasis can be on heart meeting heart rather than negotiating your way through the niceties.  Don't get me wrong,  I am all for those polite social rules but I cannot stay there for very long.  I am very drained by those kinds of encounters.  It takes a great many words and words always have had such intense meaning and depth for me that it is difficult to weigh and consider them all if they are too numerous and hidden.  I often enjoy the hidden meaning behind intentions and words but it is work to find them in bigger social settings.  This week has been really difficult.  I have had few words that have not had heavy meaning and been intimate.  They have been extraordinarily hard to cope with.  Deep hurt and profound confusion have been at their root.  Many hard questions have been asked and tears and pain have attached themselves in such a way that they cannot be separated out.    I feel powerless to lessen the load for those who have spoken them.  I have done my best to just listen and pray.  I keep asking myself if the longings inside of me for this intimate kind of friendship will be my undoing or my grace.  Without God I am certain it would be the former.